Musings and experiences about BDSM and other things decadent

As an early member of Fetlife (my membership number is under 1900), I have seen many, many profiles.  And I have made wonderful friends and made lasting connections and friendships with people from all over the world.  I am a very lucky person.

But one thing that has always bothered me in my 20-plus years in the lifestyle: the number of people who believe that arrogance and cruelty are what make someone dominant.  I can’t begin the number of times where I have read a profile of someone who is calling themselves “Dom/Domme” or “Master/Mistress” and all I see is someone with an ego–usually unjustified at that.  I burst out laughing as I read personal ads that look for someone to “serve” them, but what they are really looking for is someone to do housework for free.  Oh and willing to have sex with them is important, too.

Or meeting people who think that being rude and arrogant is a symbol of their dominance.  If another person comes up to me and tells me to call they “Lord” So-and-So or “Lady” Whats-her-name, I am going to insist that they open up their veins so I can see their blue blood.  Half the time, these people have to have their subs/slaves pay for them to get into parties because they can’t afford to pay for themselves.  How dominant is that?

I have been very fortunate in meeting and becoming friends with people who are truly dominant.  These people do not have to be arrogant or mean-spirited to show they are dominant.  In fact, they are courteous, caring and kind.  They are well spoken.

But they have that rarest of qualities–natural leadership.

The people I know who are true dominants have the ability to command.  When you meet them, you want to be around them because they they have an energy and spirit that inspires you.  When they play, you take notice of them because they seem to encompass the entire dungeon.  They are strict; they are not cruel.

In the lifestyle, you will find those people.  Midori is one person who I put in this category.  John Ireland is another.  My friends Domin81, Manna and J are perfect models locally.  As are Lady Kona and Skunky.  These people dominate because they lift you up, not put you down–even when they are beating the crap out of you.